Prom

Clayton went to his first prom last month.  I thought boys wouldn’t be as expensive as girls with things like proms but I was mistaken, he and I went shopping and he needed everything...  but at least he looked sharp!

In the blink of an eye

Sometimes I look at my boys and think when did they get so big.  Clayton is 17, driving and in welding classes, actually learning a trade in school.  Cregan will be 15 in 2 weeks, he will be driving soon too, he is a sponge of knowledge, even if that knowledge comes from YouTube.  Finally Collin, now 12 and went to his first middle school dance Friday.  

It’s as if I was in such a hurry for them to grow up and walk and talk, to feed themselves, to be potty trained, to take their own showers, to put themselves to bed... so on and so forth.  And now I’m faced with 3 fantastic young gentlemen, and my chest aches to have them crawl into my lap and say “mom will you snuggle with me?”

A year ago

One year ago today was the beginning of the end of my 22 year marriage.  It was a Sunday and I was assigned to speak in church about an hour away.  I had noticed distance with josh and I felt prompted to ask once again (because I had felt certain many other times) if he had feelings for someone else.  This time it was yes, I think I do.  It wasn’t the end that day, but it was the turning point for him.  He never wanted to reconcile or stop the train once it got rolling and for that I’m grateful.  We told the kids shortly after and that was difficult for us both.  I was angry and hurt and resentful and anxious and a dozen other things and I’m sure josh was as well.  He moved out in December of 2017, and we divorced in June of 2018.

We are actually pretty close today, not like best friends or great buddies but we respect each other for what we do and how we raise our kids.  Or at least I do, he has turned into a pretty hands on dad with the boys and they have developed a real relationship with their dad.  Everything isn’t t always peachy, I still struggle with resentment and angry but for the most part, I’m genuinely happy for him and consider him family.

A lot has happened to my family this past year.   My boys have been through tremendous changes and have come out on the other side intact.  They are loved by me and their dad.  And although seeing this on my calendar made my stomach a little sick, for the most part I’m happy that they turned out as well as they have.

August 12

Today would have been my anniversary.  A year ago I was a different person, living a different life.  Today I’m a single mom, struggling to get to know myself, I feel like a fish out of water most of the time.  Floundering around on the dock hoping beyond hope this next jump drops me back into the sea of a normal life.  Sometimes I’m gasping for air as I contemplate what my future holds or doesn’t hold any longer.  I wonder if I will ever feel right or myself again.  

Time is healing, time has already started that for me.  But with any wound, the healing doesn’t remove the scar.  I let that scar toughen me, make me me stronger, make me harder, make me...me again, just me that’s a little different 

Gray Hairs

Cregan said to me today, "mom, what's that in your hair?  A gray hair?  Wow! You head is full of gray hairs!"

My hair is full of gray hairs, I know this, I try to color them but as soon as I color more are coming out faster than I can control.  But I know where the gray is coming from, or maybe I should say whom...

There names are Clayton, Cregan and Collin. 

Clayton and I struggle, he is stubborn and hormonal.  He is willful and we butt heads, let's say...a lot.

Cregan is obstinate and relentless.  If I don't do what he wants, when he wants, he is unwavering in his demands...

Collin is, well needy and demanding.  He can have many good ideas, but is dependent on me for a lot.


My gray hairs come when I walk through the door after working all day and my kids are saying, "Where is dinner?  Are there any clean dishes?  Where is my hoodie?  Help me with my homework?  Read this note from my teacher?  Can I have some money?  Mom?  Are you watching me?" 

With each comment, the gray hairs grow longer, but motherhood is like this, at least that's what I'm told...  I adore my children, they give me meaning.  I love them, but sometimes I just need to go to the hair stylist and get those gray hairs colored but even though the grays are covered each and every one is dedicated to my loving 3 boys... each and every single one.

Changes

It was a usual day, nothing spectacular or unexceptional, I just always like to look at my realtor app and see what houses are in my price range...and dream.    And because historically we have found land that josh loves and houses that I did not love and vice versa, I was shocked to come across this beautiful home sitting on a gorgeous peace of property.   I showed Josh and he was interested, he said lets go check this out.   I figured the house would already be gone because they had just dropped the home in our price range, I agreed that maybe we should.  Well given the green light, Josh just flew, he got on the phone and got prequalified for the home, got a realtor and within the week we were parked in the parking lot!  And the house was as beautiful as the pictures and the land even more so.  We put a bid in the next day!  We are at a month later now and we can't wait to move into our forever home.  The boys have already started school in the new district and we are all packed just waiting for closing....  Just goes to show extraordinary things can happen at anytime, even when you aren't expecting them!

Texas

This summer Josh and his dad took Clayton and Cregan to visit his Uncle Robert.  His uncle lives on a 675 acre ranch in the middle of Texas, there's literally nothing man made around for miles.  They shot guns and looked for animals, especially rattle snakes; they watched the sunset and rise.  It was as relaxing as it was adventurous.   

Time hop

I have an app called time hop, it tells me what I put on social media 1,2,3 and on years ago, found this post of a conversation between me and Clayton, it makes me giggle reading it again today.   It's my insane life and I love it, boys are exhausting and demanding but also loving and incredibly sweet, sometimes.... 

Another school year gone

And just like that we are at the end of school year 2016 and starting summer!  This year was Claytons last year in middle school, and Cregans first in middle school, Collin had finished 3rd grade and is getting so big.  

As we have no pool this year, wouldn't you know it was the hottest day, in contrast to last year and the cold, sweater wearing party we had.  But even without the party we had a wonderful time!  I got a slip and slide and invited Amber and her crew over and we had a blast, grilled hotdogs, got wet, and all sugared up!  

WELCOME TO SUMMERTIME!!

My modern day fear

Not many things scare me anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I still have a healthy fear of the zombie apocalypse however I can walk outside in the middle of the night and not be running aimlessly scared someone is going to grab me as I was when I was younger.  

My new fear, isn't one that is tangible.  I can't define it in one way or another except my fear now is that something is going to happen to my boys.   You know when your kids are babies and every possible scenario goes through your head?  'Oh they may choke on that!'  Or remember the fear when they went to the bathroom publicly for the first time and you watch everyone going in and time how long it should be and at what point you are bursting through the bathroom doors no matter what..!    This really can't be just me, other have to know what it's like too...right?

I thought when they get older this fear will go away, but if anything the fear has increased, because now I'm less in control of the factors of their lives...  In a year my oldest will be driving, and then there's a whole new set of intense fear.

I still fear someone will hurt them, physically or otherwise.  My love for them knows no bounds, as well as this fear that I will see them hurt.    The world is a cruel, dangerous place and at age 18 we are throwing our children to the wolves...not necessarily...but...

The rational side of me knows they will be ok but the protective motherly side of me says, what's wrong with sheltering them until they are 50!?