A year ago

One year ago today was the beginning of the end of my 22 year marriage.  It was a Sunday and I was assigned to speak in church about an hour away.  I had noticed distance with josh and I felt prompted to ask once again (because I had felt certain many other times) if he had feelings for someone else.  This time it was yes, I think I do.  It wasn’t the end that day, but it was the turning point for him.  He never wanted to reconcile or stop the train once it got rolling and for that I’m grateful.  We told the kids shortly after and that was difficult for us both.  I was angry and hurt and resentful and anxious and a dozen other things and I’m sure josh was as well.  He moved out in December of 2017, and we divorced in June of 2018.

We are actually pretty close today, not like best friends or great buddies but we respect each other for what we do and how we raise our kids.  Or at least I do, he has turned into a pretty hands on dad with the boys and they have developed a real relationship with their dad.  Everything isn’t t always peachy, I still struggle with resentment and angry but for the most part, I’m genuinely happy for him and consider him family.

A lot has happened to my family this past year.   My boys have been through tremendous changes and have come out on the other side intact.  They are loved by me and their dad.  And although seeing this on my calendar made my stomach a little sick, for the most part I’m happy that they turned out as well as they have.

August 12

Today would have been my anniversary.  A year ago I was a different person, living a different life.  Today I’m a single mom, struggling to get to know myself, I feel like a fish out of water most of the time.  Floundering around on the dock hoping beyond hope this next jump drops me back into the sea of a normal life.  Sometimes I’m gasping for air as I contemplate what my future holds or doesn’t hold any longer.  I wonder if I will ever feel right or myself again.  

Time is healing, time has already started that for me.  But with any wound, the healing doesn’t remove the scar.  I let that scar toughen me, make me me stronger, make me harder, make me...me again, just me that’s a little different