Winter Formal

I'm still getting used to Collin being 16, I still see this little baby that was my best buddy and sidekick.  He is now so grown up, way taller that me, almost taller than Cregan even.  This weekend he went to his 2nd high school dance.  This time it was the winter formal.  Both times he went to just hang with friends.  Even though I encouraged him to ask a girl to the dance, he said naw he was good.  He still doesn't see what the world sees when they look at him, a funny, handsome, kind young man.  

Many of us, including me tend to see our imperfections instead of our positives, I just wish he could see what everyone else sees.  He did tell me that he danced this time, so that's an improvement from the last dance. 

  

Personal History #4

Write about your dad.  What would you like people to know?

Here's the truth, I don't know a lot about my dad.  I lived with my mom full time, but every other weekend I would go to his house and 2 weeks in the summer.  When I would go every other weekend, it wasn't like I was spending quality, one on one time with my dad.  My dad remarried shortly after I moved to Georgia, I was probably around 7 or 8.  I had a step sister Melissa that I would primarily hang out with on my weekends at my dads.  Melissa was a year younger than I was.  My dad loved sports.  He coached Melissa's softball teams for many, many years.  Some of my fondest memories are throwing the ball with him, I was never very good at it though.   

Here are some things I knew about my dad.  My dad retired from the Air Force and then started working for the post office. My dad was born in Mississippi.  My dad had a poor heart, some is due to hereditary, his dad passed away when he was in high school, however a lot probably had to do with drinking and smoking.  I loved my dad, despite not really knowing him very well.  

I remember the last time I saw my dad, I was about to move to Kansas and wanted to see him before I moved.  He had just moved out of my Aunt Karen's house after going through a divorce.  It was around 230 and he was very drunk, while I was there he went to sit in a chair and missed, he fell over and tore his skin on his forearm.  The skin was like paper, it just folded onto itself.  I found his first aid kit, cleaned it as best I could, wrapped it.  I was so mad that he was so drunk that I poured out the liquor in his kitchen, he was really mad at me for that.  I left shortly after that and that was the last time I saw him alive.  He passed away in his sleep in the next couple of months.  I was so sad that I didn't really tell him goodbye, that I had argued with him the last time I saw him.  

Recently I asked my aunt to email some things about my dad.  I cried after I read it, so much I didn't know about my dad and his side of the family.  The following is some of what she told me.  

"Your dad joined the Air Force after he graduated from high school in 1970.  Everyone loved Carl, especially the girls.  Being 4 years younger I adored him.  He was a STAR athletic-catcher in baseball, tackle and fullback in football, and forward in basketball.

After church on Sunday nights, he would take me and Karen to the local tastee freeze for ice cream.  After that we would go to a long bridge where Carl along with his friends would drag race.  Of course, mama did not know about this adventure.  He would make me and Karen get out of the car and stand by the road before he raced.  He said he did not want us to get hurt."

I'm thankful that I have the little bit I do know about my dad.  He wasn't a perfect man, he made a lot of poor choices in his life.  But he was my dad, he loved me the best he knew how.  

Personal History #3

Personal History 3: Write about your mom? What would you like people to know?

My mom.  She was a free spirit.  She lived her life not really thinking of consequences or concerning herself with what ifs and for that I totally admire and adore her.  

My mom probably didn't have the easiest of lives.  Her father abandoned her mom, my nanny after World War 2.  My nanny married a wonderful man after a time (my granddad) but I have to think it must of impacted her.  

My mom had an older brother, John.  A sister Maureen, who passed away when I was very young and a younger brother Martin.  

My mom married very, very young to her first husband Brian.  I think she was 16 or 17 at the time.  She had 2 son from this marriage, Kevin and Christopher.  I am not sure what happened, and I am only guessing on the time line of events but at some point things got rocky for the couple.  My mom met someone else and got pregnant with my brother Ian.  My mom and Brian separated, my mom had custody of the boys for a little bit, I know she stated they struggled financially and things were very difficult for her.  This I believe because what happened next, given the fact that my mom is forever in my mind as the most amazing mom ever, had to be the most difficult thing she has ever done. 

My mom gave Brian custody of Kevin and Christopher.  Brian got a job offer in Australia and took the boys from England to Australia.  I know this was heartbreaking for my mom. But what she did next broke her a little.  She gave Ian up for adoption.  My mom told me for the next 25 years that she lost a baby at childbirth and would always tear up on New Years Eve because that was his birthday.  It wasn't until the last year of her life that I found out I had another brother, that's a post for another time.

At some point after giving up her children, she met a man named Gus.  She fell in love and got pregnant with my sister Michaela or Mickey.  Things didn't pan out with Gus, he was stationed back in the US and was actually planning for my mom and Mickey to come be with him when she met my dad and ended up married to him.   She had my brother Carl and later me.  

My mom and dad divorced but not before she moved to the states from England.  My dad had custody of my brother and my mom had custody of me.  My mom met Jody and married him.  It was not an easy start to their marriage and I often resented him because there was a lot of fighting in the first few years of the marriage.  My mom is a little bit of a spit fire though, I can't say she probably didn't provoke or instigate the many arguments.  

Life moved on, my mom got older.  Life became less dramatic, she worked hard for not a lot of money.  She struggled financially most of her life.  And although we had a modest single wide trailer, it was homey.

My mom most days could be seen sitting in the kitchen with a cigarette reading a book or doing a crossword puzzle.  She was an avid reader.  

My mom loved a clean home, even now the smell of bleach triggers sweet memories of my mom.  

For me, she was the epitome of love.  I had no doubt, not a shred of hesitation that I was loved, that I had a home when I was in her presence.  That she would fight for me, protect me and be there for me in anyway possible.  I felt secure in this world as long as I had her in it. 

In 1999 my step dad collapsed with septicemia from not taking all his antibiotic after receiving dental work.  It was touch and go for a long while but eventually he was allowed to come home and my mom took care of him, she was working full time and raising her grandson Ben (Mickeys son - she had been killed in 1989 by a drunk driver) at the time as well.  Sometime in 2000 she collapsed.  At first doctors questioned whether she was a closet alcoholic or drug user, which was insane and insulting.  My mom rarely drank and told me she had tried pot once in her life and didn't like the way it made her feel so she never tried it again.  Her vice was smoking cigarettes.  Once I got the doctors to look past their initial theory and do more testing, that is when the brain tumor to her brain stem was found.  

My mom went in for surgery to have it removed, unfortunately it was suspected that the tumor was in her brain for a long length of time (like from childhood) due to the veins and arteries running through it and they were unable to remove all of the tumor.  My mom came home and started radiation therapy. It was at this time that I moved home to take care of her and my step dad. Ben left and moved back to his fathers.   

It was at this time my mom and I had loads of conversations about her life.  She finally told me about Ian.  Ian had gone to the adoption agency and this allowed my mom to receive letters from him and talk to him on the phone.  

My mom passed away in May of 2001. The tumor grew back with a vengeance after my the stress of my step dads passing in March of that year and my mom collapsed shortly afterward.  She was brought home on hospice and for the last weeks of her life she was non responsive with a glazed look on her face.  The day she passed, part of my heart was forever broken, my world forever askew, my existence has never quite been the same.

That is what I want people to know about my mother.  

She could forever change you just by knowing her.  It wasn't just me either.  It was all who truly felt her love.  They were affected.  She was a presence... a hot blooded, quick tempered southern british speaking blonde that loved fiercely and stood her ground no matter what.  I so wish my boys could have met her, she would have loved them so much.  I know I will see her again, I know she watches over me still.  

Personal History #2

 #2: When and where were you born?

My dad was in the Air Force.  He actually met my mom at a pub while stationed in England.  My mom had my sister at the time, she was just a baby.   My dad and mom were married shortly after meeting and soon had my brother.  They traveled from England to Mississippi where my dad was from, I am not sure but he may have gotten out of the military for a while at this point?  At some point he was back in the military and stationed in California.  It was at this time that my parents considered divorce.  My dad had orders to go to Germany, my mom was working for a family in California and according to stories she told me she wanted to stay there.  

My mom had recalled she had a history of "women problems" and was considering getting a hysterectomy. She went to the OBGYN to have the hysterectomy pretesting done and found out, that surprise, she was pregnant with me.  She and my dad reconciled and she went to Germany where she had me at a military base hospital. 

My parents stayed together a few more years after my birth.  We all moved back to England before I was a year old.  My dad was stationed at Robins Air Force Base in Georgia and left England with my brother at some point.  Shortly after, with ideas of reconciliation again my mom, my sister and myself moved to Georgia, I was 6 years old.  

My parents didn't end up reconciling, but both found other people and both remarried. 

Personal HIstory #1

 As I mentioned in the last entry, I'm trying to write more personal history so here goes

1.  Write about your name.  Where did it come from ? What does it mean?

My birth name is Mandy Leigh Miller.

I have always hated that my name was simply Mandy and not Amanda.  I thought the name Mandy made me sound vapid and spacey and that Amanda was a name with some depth.  

When I was younger, I thought it would be nice for people to call me Leigh but that didn't quite pan out.  I simply was a Mandy. The name Leigh was given to me by my godfather, not sure who he was really as he wasn't involved in my life.  But he must have been important to my mom and dad at some point to be given the honor of caring his name.  These are the questions I yearn to ask my parents, but alas can not.  

I do
remember asking my mom once when I was younger why she called me Mandy, she told me it was from a set of books called Milly Molly Mandy.  I actually have some in one of my trunk stashes with items from my teenage years, I've never read them but I have them.  

I know, if I had been a boy, my name would have been Cregan.  It was my great grandfathers name and I ended up naming my middle child that name.  It is unique and he fits it, he is pretty unique himself.

 

New Year Resolution

 My new years resolution is simple, I need simple because if its complex or requires much effort, lets face it, I won't even start it. 

Anyway, I have felt pressure for years to write down my personal history, not only for myself but for my children.  Having lost so many family members, I often feel like the opportunity has passed me by but recently I had an aunt send me an email about my dad, I learned so much that I didn't' know.  

I found this form on Pinterest and I'm giving it a try, seems simple enough