My Clayton

My Clayton, my oldest forever baby, graduated this year.  Clayton has no idea how wanted and needed he was by me.  His dad and I tried for many years to have a baby, I had pretty much given up when one Thanksgiving back in 2000 everything smelled awful/rancid.  Later that week, I felt car sick when driving back from the movies.  A couple of pregnancy tests later, I knew I was pregnant with my little miracle.

9 months later when he arrived into the world, my life had been altered in a very drastic way.  My step dad, Jody and my mom had passed away within 2 months from each other and I felt lost and alone in a way I'd never felt before.  Then this wonderful, beautiful, magical, sweet little 9 pound, 6ounce baby came into my life.  Perhaps at the darkest part of my life at the time, I had the greatest joy.  

Fast forward several, several years and you have this wonderful young man, finding himself in this vast world with so much to learn and already knowing so much.  I love you my darling one.  Always, always, always.. I love you.

Blending familes

When my marriage ended I had no idea that it would be one of the greatest things to happen to me.  Clearly at the time it was devastating and I went to a pretty destructive place, however looking back as only time can, I realize how unhappy I was and I now know how happy I can be.  In April, Bob and I closed on a house and moved in together, blending our lives even more and taking our kids with us.

It was a hard decision at first, a huge one actually.  I was apprehensive of such a big move in both our relationship and literally with moving away from Mt Vernon and moving my boys to a different school.  Not being married is of course huge too, and I know many were surprised I made the decision to move in, unmarried, with my boyfriend.  (I'm sure I have been the topic of many the conversation for my scandalous decision).  But this move was a very big move for us both, we were both very much excited and understandably nervous having both been through divorces around the same time with long term spouses.

And even though my oldest man-boy wasn't coming with me, (Clayton lives with his dad and it's his senior year so I get that).  It was such a great decision.  I knew Bob was an attentive, amazing man before but over the past several months, that has been reconfirmed several 1000 times over.  The boys even though they had to change school have both tried things they would have never tried prior.  Collin tried football and Cregan tried wrestling, all the boys get along and Alex is just one of my boys, and the boys are all just brothers.

The house, the home I thought I would grow old in was sold to some friends that I've known for many, many years and I'm so glad they will build memories there.  The purchase freed up some of Josh's obligations, and he has since purchased a home too.  Bob and I bought a beautiful home that we have been able to put our own touches on, and I love it so much more than I thought I could.

This is what life does... it gives us lemons sometimes and from those lemons we can pucker up or we can add some sweetness to it and enjoy the heck out of that lemonade.  And I'm so enjoying my lemonade of life....

Welcome 2020

New Years- starting a fresh, a new plan with a new year.  This year Bob and I had planned to spend the evening just the 2 of us.  The kids were all gone and we had decided to stay in and ring in the new year just like the old fuddy duddies that we are.... but Clayton had different plans.  He calls me early in the day of NYE, "what you doing tonight, lets get together".  Now this man-boy is 18, and he wants to spend NYE with ME, his old mama!!  Oh heck yea! I was gonna make it happen, he convinced Kayla and her family to come on over and we rang in the new year playing games, eating food, enjoying each others company and that is how I think I'd like to spend my 2020... With my loved ones around me having a blast..

Christmas 2019

Christmas is a magical time of year and this year was no exception.  We had to get a new Christmas tree this year, well I suppose we didn't have to but we did and we got it at an awesome auction website for a great deal (like we do with most things) and we needed to make sure it worked.  So in November, early November, we decided to put up our tree.  It was wonderful to see the tree twinkle each night, often turning on the fireplace and truly enjoying the moment.  We probably will never have the tree up that early again but man, I was so happy to have it up this year that early.

This year was new for us, our combined families and combined traditions, but I like to think we did a good job at blending.

We had Bob's family over for a Christmas party, and I got to meet more of his family, I really enjoyed that.  Christmas eve was spent at Leah and Bob's reenacting the nativity with all the nieces and nephews, of course I loved that.

But by far my favorite part of Christmas was Christmas Day with all my kids and bonus kids under one roof.  Alex was here, Cregan and Collin and Clayton and Cora.  It was wonderful.  It put tears to my eyes watching all this amazing people that I love so very much under one roof.

Christmas truly is a magical time.

Collin is now a teenager!!!

Hard to believe my baby is now officially a teen... he is still my sweet heart however he now has the slightest of attitudes when asked to do something... heck he has an attitude if I ask him how his day is.... but I so enjoyed celebrating his birthday with him.  We had a wonderful day with cake and dinner.  He is a 7th grader, plays football, has a girlfriend and hangs out with his friends whenever he can.  

Prom

Clayton went to his first prom last month.  I thought boys wouldn’t be as expensive as girls with things like proms but I was mistaken, he and I went shopping and he needed everything...  but at least he looked sharp!

In the blink of an eye

Sometimes I look at my boys and think when did they get so big.  Clayton is 17, driving and in welding classes, actually learning a trade in school.  Cregan will be 15 in 2 weeks, he will be driving soon too, he is a sponge of knowledge, even if that knowledge comes from YouTube.  Finally Collin, now 12 and went to his first middle school dance Friday.  

It’s as if I was in such a hurry for them to grow up and walk and talk, to feed themselves, to be potty trained, to take their own showers, to put themselves to bed... so on and so forth.  And now I’m faced with 3 fantastic young gentlemen, and my chest aches to have them crawl into my lap and say “mom will you snuggle with me?”

A year ago

One year ago today was the beginning of the end of my 22 year marriage.  It was a Sunday and I was assigned to speak in church about an hour away.  I had noticed distance with josh and I felt prompted to ask once again (because I had felt certain many other times) if he had feelings for someone else.  This time it was yes, I think I do.  It wasn’t the end that day, but it was the turning point for him.  He never wanted to reconcile or stop the train once it got rolling and for that I’m grateful.  We told the kids shortly after and that was difficult for us both.  I was angry and hurt and resentful and anxious and a dozen other things and I’m sure josh was as well.  He moved out in December of 2017, and we divorced in June of 2018.

We are actually pretty close today, not like best friends or great buddies but we respect each other for what we do and how we raise our kids.  Or at least I do, he has turned into a pretty hands on dad with the boys and they have developed a real relationship with their dad.  Everything isn’t t always peachy, I still struggle with resentment and angry but for the most part, I’m genuinely happy for him and consider him family.

A lot has happened to my family this past year.   My boys have been through tremendous changes and have come out on the other side intact.  They are loved by me and their dad.  And although seeing this on my calendar made my stomach a little sick, for the most part I’m happy that they turned out as well as they have.

August 12

Today would have been my anniversary.  A year ago I was a different person, living a different life.  Today I’m a single mom, struggling to get to know myself, I feel like a fish out of water most of the time.  Floundering around on the dock hoping beyond hope this next jump drops me back into the sea of a normal life.  Sometimes I’m gasping for air as I contemplate what my future holds or doesn’t hold any longer.  I wonder if I will ever feel right or myself again.  

Time is healing, time has already started that for me.  But with any wound, the healing doesn’t remove the scar.  I let that scar toughen me, make me me stronger, make me harder, make me...me again, just me that’s a little different 

Gray Hairs

Cregan said to me today, "mom, what's that in your hair?  A gray hair?  Wow! You head is full of gray hairs!"

My hair is full of gray hairs, I know this, I try to color them but as soon as I color more are coming out faster than I can control.  But I know where the gray is coming from, or maybe I should say whom...

There names are Clayton, Cregan and Collin. 

Clayton and I struggle, he is stubborn and hormonal.  He is willful and we butt heads, let's say...a lot.

Cregan is obstinate and relentless.  If I don't do what he wants, when he wants, he is unwavering in his demands...

Collin is, well needy and demanding.  He can have many good ideas, but is dependent on me for a lot.


My gray hairs come when I walk through the door after working all day and my kids are saying, "Where is dinner?  Are there any clean dishes?  Where is my hoodie?  Help me with my homework?  Read this note from my teacher?  Can I have some money?  Mom?  Are you watching me?" 

With each comment, the gray hairs grow longer, but motherhood is like this, at least that's what I'm told...  I adore my children, they give me meaning.  I love them, but sometimes I just need to go to the hair stylist and get those gray hairs colored but even though the grays are covered each and every one is dedicated to my loving 3 boys... each and every single one.