Welcome 2020

New Years- starting a fresh, a new plan with a new year.  This year Bob and I had planned to spend the evening just the 2 of us.  The kids were all gone and we had decided to stay in and ring in the new year just like the old fuddy duddies that we are.... but Clayton had different plans.  He calls me early in the day of NYE, "what you doing tonight, lets get together".  Now this man-boy is 18, and he wants to spend NYE with ME, his old mama!!  Oh heck yea! I was gonna make it happen, he convinced Kayla and her family to come on over and we rang in the new year playing games, eating food, enjoying each others company and that is how I think I'd like to spend my 2020... With my loved ones around me having a blast..

Christmas 2019

Christmas is a magical time of year and this year was no exception.  We had to get a new Christmas tree this year, well I suppose we didn't have to but we did and we got it at an awesome auction website for a great deal (like we do with most things) and we needed to make sure it worked.  So in November, early November, we decided to put up our tree.  It was wonderful to see the tree twinkle each night, often turning on the fireplace and truly enjoying the moment.  We probably will never have the tree up that early again but man, I was so happy to have it up this year that early.

This year was new for us, our combined families and combined traditions, but I like to think we did a good job at blending.

We had Bob's family over for a Christmas party, and I got to meet more of his family, I really enjoyed that.  Christmas eve was spent at Leah and Bob's reenacting the nativity with all the nieces and nephews, of course I loved that.

But by far my favorite part of Christmas was Christmas Day with all my kids and bonus kids under one roof.  Alex was here, Cregan and Collin and Clayton and Cora.  It was wonderful.  It put tears to my eyes watching all this amazing people that I love so very much under one roof.

Christmas truly is a magical time.

Collin is now a teenager!!!

Hard to believe my baby is now officially a teen... he is still my sweet heart however he now has the slightest of attitudes when asked to do something... heck he has an attitude if I ask him how his day is.... but I so enjoyed celebrating his birthday with him.  We had a wonderful day with cake and dinner.  He is a 7th grader, plays football, has a girlfriend and hangs out with his friends whenever he can.  

Prom

Clayton went to his first prom last month.  I thought boys wouldn’t be as expensive as girls with things like proms but I was mistaken, he and I went shopping and he needed everything...  but at least he looked sharp!

In the blink of an eye

Sometimes I look at my boys and think when did they get so big.  Clayton is 17, driving and in welding classes, actually learning a trade in school.  Cregan will be 15 in 2 weeks, he will be driving soon too, he is a sponge of knowledge, even if that knowledge comes from YouTube.  Finally Collin, now 12 and went to his first middle school dance Friday.  

It’s as if I was in such a hurry for them to grow up and walk and talk, to feed themselves, to be potty trained, to take their own showers, to put themselves to bed... so on and so forth.  And now I’m faced with 3 fantastic young gentlemen, and my chest aches to have them crawl into my lap and say “mom will you snuggle with me?”

A year ago

One year ago today was the beginning of the end of my 22 year marriage.  It was a Sunday and I was assigned to speak in church about an hour away.  I had noticed distance with josh and I felt prompted to ask once again (because I had felt certain many other times) if he had feelings for someone else.  This time it was yes, I think I do.  It wasn’t the end that day, but it was the turning point for him.  He never wanted to reconcile or stop the train once it got rolling and for that I’m grateful.  We told the kids shortly after and that was difficult for us both.  I was angry and hurt and resentful and anxious and a dozen other things and I’m sure josh was as well.  He moved out in December of 2017, and we divorced in June of 2018.

We are actually pretty close today, not like best friends or great buddies but we respect each other for what we do and how we raise our kids.  Or at least I do, he has turned into a pretty hands on dad with the boys and they have developed a real relationship with their dad.  Everything isn’t t always peachy, I still struggle with resentment and angry but for the most part, I’m genuinely happy for him and consider him family.

A lot has happened to my family this past year.   My boys have been through tremendous changes and have come out on the other side intact.  They are loved by me and their dad.  And although seeing this on my calendar made my stomach a little sick, for the most part I’m happy that they turned out as well as they have.

August 12

Today would have been my anniversary.  A year ago I was a different person, living a different life.  Today I’m a single mom, struggling to get to know myself, I feel like a fish out of water most of the time.  Floundering around on the dock hoping beyond hope this next jump drops me back into the sea of a normal life.  Sometimes I’m gasping for air as I contemplate what my future holds or doesn’t hold any longer.  I wonder if I will ever feel right or myself again.  

Time is healing, time has already started that for me.  But with any wound, the healing doesn’t remove the scar.  I let that scar toughen me, make me me stronger, make me harder, make me...me again, just me that’s a little different 

Gray Hairs

Cregan said to me today, "mom, what's that in your hair?  A gray hair?  Wow! You head is full of gray hairs!"

My hair is full of gray hairs, I know this, I try to color them but as soon as I color more are coming out faster than I can control.  But I know where the gray is coming from, or maybe I should say whom...

There names are Clayton, Cregan and Collin. 

Clayton and I struggle, he is stubborn and hormonal.  He is willful and we butt heads, let's say...a lot.

Cregan is obstinate and relentless.  If I don't do what he wants, when he wants, he is unwavering in his demands...

Collin is, well needy and demanding.  He can have many good ideas, but is dependent on me for a lot.


My gray hairs come when I walk through the door after working all day and my kids are saying, "Where is dinner?  Are there any clean dishes?  Where is my hoodie?  Help me with my homework?  Read this note from my teacher?  Can I have some money?  Mom?  Are you watching me?" 

With each comment, the gray hairs grow longer, but motherhood is like this, at least that's what I'm told...  I adore my children, they give me meaning.  I love them, but sometimes I just need to go to the hair stylist and get those gray hairs colored but even though the grays are covered each and every one is dedicated to my loving 3 boys... each and every single one.

Changes

It was a usual day, nothing spectacular or unexceptional, I just always like to look at my realtor app and see what houses are in my price range...and dream.    And because historically we have found land that josh loves and houses that I did not love and vice versa, I was shocked to come across this beautiful home sitting on a gorgeous peace of property.   I showed Josh and he was interested, he said lets go check this out.   I figured the house would already be gone because they had just dropped the home in our price range, I agreed that maybe we should.  Well given the green light, Josh just flew, he got on the phone and got prequalified for the home, got a realtor and within the week we were parked in the parking lot!  And the house was as beautiful as the pictures and the land even more so.  We put a bid in the next day!  We are at a month later now and we can't wait to move into our forever home.  The boys have already started school in the new district and we are all packed just waiting for closing....  Just goes to show extraordinary things can happen at anytime, even when you aren't expecting them!

Texas

This summer Josh and his dad took Clayton and Cregan to visit his Uncle Robert.  His uncle lives on a 675 acre ranch in the middle of Texas, there's literally nothing man made around for miles.  They shot guns and looked for animals, especially rattle snakes; they watched the sunset and rise.  It was as relaxing as it was adventurous.